Understanding and Dealing with Toxic Parents and Co-Parents (2023)

Understanding and Dealing with Toxic Parents and Co-Parents (1)Share on Pinterest

There are people in your life who will lift you up and give you support whenever you need it. And there may be others who delight in tearing you down or causing you pain.

It can be particularly disheartening and challenging when a toxic person like this also happens to be your parent or someone you’re tasked to co-parent with.

Whatever the case, there are things you can do to mitigate the effects of toxic parents. Here’s more about what exactly a toxic parent is and how you can make strides toward healing emotional wounds from a traumatic childhood.

To be clear, “toxic parent” isn’t a medical term or a clearly defined concept. When people discuss toxic parents they are typically describing parents who consistently behave in ways that cause guilt, fear, or obligation in their children. Their actions aren’t isolated events, but patterns of behavior that negatively shape their child’s life.

The thing is, parents are human beings. And that means that they may make mistakes, yell too much, or do potentially damaging things to their kids — even unintentionally. But their impulse is to do better and make things right.

A toxic parent, however, is more concerned with their own needs than whether what they’re doing is harmful or damaging. They likely won’t apologize or even admit that what they are doing is wrong. And the abuse or neglect tends to be ongoing or progressive.

(Video) 10 Characteristics Of Highly Toxic Parents


“Toxic parent” is an umbrella term for parents who display some or all of the following characteristics:

  • Self-centered behaviors. Your parent may be emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, or perhaps uncaring when it comes to things that you need. It may feel like all situations return to the same question: “What about ME?”
  • Physical and verbal abuse. Abuse may not always be hitting, yelling, threats, or something totally obvious either. You may encounter more subtle abuse like name-calling, shifting of blame, silent treatment, or gaslighting.
  • Controlling behaviors. Toxic parents may invade your privacy or not allow you to make your own decisions. Or maybe they’re overly critical and controlling of your decisions, even as an adult.
  • Manipulative behaviors. Your parent may try to control you by using guilt or shame to play with your emotions. Toxic parents may even hold time, money, or other items as pawns in their manipulation game.
  • Lack of boundaries. Toxic parents tend to push and push and push to get their way. As you tire from their tactics, you may simply give in to ideas or situations out of exhaustion or frustration.

Outbursts and bad days are perfectly normal for anyone to have, including parents. But if the behaviors you remember from your childhood are constant or have some type of pattern, you may want to take a second look at how they impacted the person you have become.

Think back to your childhood and ask yourself:

  • Did my parents emotionally abuse me? Did they tell me I was worthless or just plain bad?
  • Did they physically abuse me under the guise of discipline?
  • Was I forced to care for my parents at a young age?
  • Was I scared of my parents or their actions? Was I afraid to show my anger or frustration to them?
  • Did they make me keep secrets from family or friends about things they did to me, like physical or sexual abuse?

Or maybe you’re still dealing with this type of relationship:

  • Do my parents treat me like I am still a child?
  • Do they guilt me to get what they want? Or do they use threats or other manipulation strategies, like giving/withholding money?
  • Do I feel ill or have other overwhelming physical or emotional feelings after seeing my parents?
  • Do I just feel like I will never live up to my parents’ expectations?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you may have a toxic parent in your life. Take a moment to let that sink in.

Then consider this: You may blame yourself for their behaviors or how you react to them. You may feel guilty or inadequate, which makes it hard to thrive in your life as an adult. Growing up with such tremendous stress and confusion can also make it very hard to form healthy self-esteem, so you may be carrying some heavy baggage around with you.

But you can also make changes to your relationship and your life to address and heal from the damage done.

What are the effects of toxic parents?

(Video) Dealing with Toxic Parents | Kati Morton

Family — no matter what form it takes — has a significant impact on an individual’s feelings of self-worth, perception of and trust in others, and general world view. Basically, it’s the foundation for how you see and interact with the people, places, and things around you.

Once you realize that you have been exposed to toxicity, it may be helpful or even liberating to recognize that many behaviors you learned are toxic. You may have viewed damaging experiences you had growing up as, well, normal.

For example, you may have been beaten or abused but pushed it off as being merely spanked. You may have been severely neglected but framed it as your parents being too busy.

If you are a parent who grew up with a toxic parent as a model, you may feel doomed. How can you overcome history repeating itself?

There’s good news here. With a little work, learned behaviors can be unlearned and modified. This isn’t an easy task, but the first step is recognizing that you were shaped by your environment. You cannot change until you understand and accept the things that have influenced your behaviors.

While you cannot change someone else’s behavior, setting boundaries can limit the interactions you have with toxic parents. It can also help you take control in the situation and feel some power where you may have felt powerless before.

As an adult, you may still be influenced or overwhelmed by your parents. You may even feel like you’re waiting for someone to give you permission to escape from that influence.

(Video) How to deal with toxic family relationships | Johnson Chong | TEDxRolandPark

Here’s the thing: You are that person who can grant yourself permission. You are that person who can decide to change and take back your life. And you can start as early as today by making a plan.


One of the best places to start is with setting clear boundaries. A boundary is simply an invisible line that you set for yourself and that you do not allow someone to cross. This may be physical or emotional. And exactly where that boundary is drawn is completely up to you.

California-based psychotherapist Sharon Martin shares three tips for setting boundaries with toxic people.

  • Be straightforward with the boundaries you define — and don’t leave them up for interpretation. While your toxic parent may not be happy being told what to do (in fact, pushing beyond your limits is likely one of the ways they are toxic!), they will lose the ability to push you past your breaking zone.
  • Make communication about boundaries clear and consistent. Stick to your guns. It’s OK to say NO to your parents if they have gone too far. At the same time, stay calm and resist blaming and getting overly defensive (some parents feed on this energy).
  • Continually check in with yourself. Are your parents respecting your boundaries? If not, you may need to come up with a plan B, even if it means cutting contact for some time.


It’s important to take the time to think about your childhood experiences and how they shaped you. Sit with them. Think about how they make you feel. Think about how they make you act. You might find it helpful to write your feelings down or to talk with a trusted family member or friend.

For some, this process may be overwhelming. You don’t have to embark on the path of healing alone. Consider making an appointment with a licensed mental health professional to get some ideas for how to start.

And if you do see certain behaviors coming out in your own parenting, try these tips from the experts at Brown University:

  • Make a list of the things you want to change.
  • Write next to each behavior the way you would like to behave/feel instead.
  • Prioritize the list if you want, and then choosing a behavior to start with.
  • Practice your desired behavior in place of the one you want to change.

Once you feel you’ve mastered one behavior, you can move your way down the list and attack others.

Related: The no BS guide to protecting your emotional space

What about co-parenting with a toxic parent?

(Video) Co-Parenting with a Narcissist | Dr. Ramani Durvasula | Co-Parenting & Coffee

So, maybe you didn’t grow up with a toxic parent, but you have to work with one to bring up your children. Impossible, right?

In this situation, there are unique challenges for both you and your children. Expect things to be difficult. Expect there to be some heartache. But also remember that you make up half of the equation and you have power over how things progress as time goes on.

You must come up with ways to advocate for your children and set boundaries, all while having to maintain a working relationship with your toxic ex.

Try your best to breathe. Remind yourself that you are your own person. You have power over your actions and thoughts. You can change how you behave and react. And you can set limits for your children and their interactions with your ex.

Some strategies that might help include:

  • Setting up a legal parenting plan. That way, you’ll have things in writing that you both must follow. No guilting or manipulating can change what’s written by the courts.
  • Working through court-appointed mediators. If you’re running into issues time and time again, take the fight out of your hands and get help from higher authorities. Plus, this way, you have clear documentation of exactly what is done and said.
  • Showing your kids some extra empathy. Your children are likely taking the brunt of the toxicity. Try the best you can to assure them they are in a safe space with you. And give them the tools they need to find this safety when they aren’t.

Related: Tips for co-parenting with a narcissist


(Video) How To Understand And Deal With Toxic Parents And Co Parents | SafEd Talks | AWARE India

No matter what, be sure to give yourself some grace. Recognizing difficult things about your childhood can be painful and bring up a host of emotions you might not expect.

And if you feel you have slipped into toxic patterns yourself, just know that changing can take time. The important thing is that you are committed to changing and that you recognize the need to change for your own mental health and for the health of those around you.

You’ll get there. You will! Reach out for help when you need it and understand that you are not alone in this journey.


How do you respond to a toxic co parent? ›

6 Ways to Deal With a Toxic Co-Parent
  1. Establish Healthy Boundaries. ...
  2. Communicate Effectively and Strategically. ...
  3. Do NOT Be Reactive. ...
  4. Let Go of What You Cannot Control. ...
  5. Remember to Take Time to Care For Yourself. ...
  6. Get Support From a San Antonio Child Custody Attorney.
Jul 6, 2021

How do I stop caring about a toxic parent? ›

How to Successfully Stop a Toxic Relationship With Your Parents
  1. Set boundaries with your parents (and enforcing them!)
  2. Accept the guilt (and live with the discomfort)
  3. Don't try to change them—change what you can control.
  4. Take care of yourself first.
  5. Surround yourself with supportive relationships.
May 24, 2019

How do you respond to a manipulative co-parent? ›

The short version is:
  1. Always be kind.
  2. Ignore what you can.
  3. Keep communication channels open.
  4. Be collaborative in decisions.
  5. Look at your own behaviors that may impact the situation.
  6. Make sure your children are protected from anger and fighting.
  7. Seek mediation or parenting coordination before going into attack mode.
Apr 9, 2018

How do you respond to a narcissist co-parenting? ›

Tips for co-parenting with a narcissist
  1. Establish a legal parenting plan. ...
  2. Take advantage of court services. ...
  3. Maintain firm boundaries. ...
  4. Parent with empathy. ...
  5. Avoid speaking ill of the other parent in front of the kids. ...
  6. Avoid emotional arguments. ...
  7. Expect challenges. ...
  8. Document everything.
Mar 20, 2020

What are the traits of toxic parents? ›

Common Toxic Traits
  • They're self-centered. They don't think about your needs or feelings.
  • They're emotional loose cannons. They overreact, or create drama.
  • They overshare. They share improper info with you, like details about their intimate lives. ...
  • They seek control. ...
  • They're harshly critical. ...
  • They lack boundaries.

What are things toxic parents say? ›

The most common toxic behavior of parents is to criticize their child, express self-wishes, complain about the difficulties of raising a child, make unhealthy comparisons, and make hurtful statements1.

How do you set boundaries with toxic parents? ›

How to Set Boundaries With Toxic Parents
  1. Reduce your exposure to them when you can. ...
  2. Practice emotional detachment. ...
  3. Don't try to change them. ...
  4. Create your own privacy. ...
  5. Decide whether the relationship is salvageable. ...
  6. If necessary, consider going no contact with your toxic parent.

What is parental gaslighting? ›

Parental gaslighting is a subtle and covert form of emotional abuse. These parents manipulate to undermine the child's sense of reality and mental stability. Some well-meaning parents may gaslight their children in an attempt to protect them.

What is the best way to deal with a toxic family? ›

Here are some powerful, practical ways to do that:
  1. Be empowered by your motives. ...
  2. Understand why they're seeing what they see in you. ...
  3. They might get worse before they leave you alone. ...
  4. Be clear about your boundaries. ...
  5. You don't have to help them through every crisis. ...
  6. You don't need to explain. ...
  7. Don't judge.

Is it wrong to cut off a toxic parent? ›

It's also possible that, even if your parent has good intentions and has addressed their own issues, continuing a relationship with that parent may still feel too triggering for you, Spinazzola says. If that's the case, you have every right to cut ties.

Are my parents toxic or is it me? ›

Some of the common signs of a toxic parent or parents include: Highly negatively reactive. Toxic parents are emotionally out of control. They tend to dramatize even minor issues and see any possible slight as a reason to become hostile, angry, verbally abusive, or destructive.

How do you break the cycle of toxic parenting? ›

Here are some suggestions on how parents can end abusive patterns and set a different tone with their kids.
  1. Acknowledge your own abuse. ...
  2. Recognize the risks (and ask for help). ...
  3. Set boundaries with the older generation. ...
  4. Celebrate success as it comes. ...
  5. When you feel vulnerable, examine your motives.
May 4, 2018

How do you disarm a narcissistic co parent? ›

Here 5 Co-Parenting Tips To Disarm The Narcissist Parent:
  1. Don't Sink To Their Level, Stay Outside Of The Perceived Conflict. ...
  2. Don't Feed Their Ego, Stay Children Centered. ...
  3. Don't Take Responsibility For Their Emotion, Stay Grounded In Values. ...
  4. Don't Use Ultimatums, Stay Calm And Set Boundaries.

How do you outsmart a controlling parent? ›

How to cope with overbearing parents
  1. Understand where they come from. The first step to easing parental controls in adulthood is to understand why your parents are so controlling in the first place. ...
  2. Don't stop caring. ...
  3. Don't give into emotional blackmail. ...
  4. Build your own sense of worth and identity first.
Jan 17, 2018

What is the correct way to outsmart a narcissist? ›

How to Outsmart a Narcissist
  1. Separate yourself to cut off their narcissistic supply.
  2. Take time to heal.
  3. Take responsibility for your part in a conflict.
  4. React with empathy and respect.
  5. Act unresponsive around them.
  6. Disengage from their conversations.
  7. Set and enforce clear boundaries.

How do you keep your sanity when co parenting with a toxic ex? ›

Here are six tips for co-parenting when your ex is toxic:
  1. Set Firm Boundaries. ...
  2. Avoid Saying Negative Things About Your Ex in Front of the Child. ...
  3. Identify Triggers and Try to Avoid Them. ...
  4. Keep Your Composure. ...
  5. Keep Contact to a Minimum If You Have To. ...
  6. Vow to Be Pleasant Without Being a Doormat.
Sep 3, 2016

What are the signs of guilty parent syndrome? ›

Signs Of Guilty Parent Syndrome

You worry that people are judging you based on your child's actions. You stress out about every little thing that could go wrong in your child's life. You feel guilty for not spending enough time with your child. You find yourself constantly comparing your parenting skills to others.

What are emotionally abusive parents? ›

Types of emotional abuse

humiliating or constantly criticising a child. threatening, shouting at a child or calling them names. making the child the subject of jokes, or using sarcasm to hurt a child. blaming and scapegoating. making a child perform degrading acts.

What are the effects of growing up in a toxic family? ›

Feelings of extreme anxiety, low self-esteem, worthlessness, difficulty trusting others, maintaining close relationships, or feeling worn out after a visit with your family are all signs you grew up in a toxic family.

What parents should never say to their child? ›

"You're okay."

Saying "you're okay" when someone is hurt or crying can often feel like an automatic response. However, whenever possible, avoid uttering this phrase to your kids. "Telling kids that something does not hurt when it does challenges their reality," says Nance.

What is cold mother syndrome? ›

Emotionally absent or cold mothers can be unresponsive to their children's needs. They may act distracted and uninterested during interactions, or they could actively reject any attempts of the child to get close. They may continue acting this way with adult children.

How do you respectfully set boundaries with parents? ›

6 tips to help set boundaries with parents
  1. Be clear and concise.
  2. Be assertive and compassionate.
  3. Demonstrate appreciation.
  4. Practice the "broken record" technique.
  5. Know your limits.
  6. Release any guilt about having boundaries.

How do you deal with family who doesn't respect boundaries? ›

9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members
  1. Understand that your needs are important. ...
  2. Seek out people who value you. ...
  3. Be firm, but kind. ...
  4. Keep your expectations realistic. ...
  5. Be willing to walk away. ...
  6. Keep in mind that you are in charge of what you do. ...
  7. Be direct. ...
  8. Seek to take care of yourself.

What are unhealthy parent child boundaries? ›

Ans. An unhealthy relationship with parents can deeply impact the child over time. These problems include a lack of boundaries, rejection, restrictiveness and overprotection, overindulgence, substance abuse and unrealistic expectations from children.

What is a manipulative parent? ›

In most cases, manipulative parents refer to parents who use covert psychological methods to control the child's activities and behavior in such a way as to prevent the child from becoming an independent adult apart from their control.

How narcissists gaslight their children? ›

Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity.

How do you outsmart a toxic person? ›

Read on for tips on how to respond to this type of behavior.
  1. Avoid playing into their reality. ...
  2. Don't get drawn in. ...
  3. Pay attention to how they make you feel. ...
  4. Talk to them about their behavior. ...
  5. Put yourself first. ...
  6. Offer compassion, but don't try to fix them. ...
  7. Say no (and walk away) ...
  8. Remember, you aren't at fault.
Nov 20, 2019

Do you tell a toxic person they are toxic? ›

Be honest about how the toxic trait impacts you

As we mentioned, many people don't realize they have toxic traits. So, telling someone that their actions have hurt your emotional well-being may help them understand they need to change.

What to say to someone who disrespects you? ›

5 Steps for Telling Someone They Hurt or Disrespected You
  • Start with why what you want to say is important. ...
  • Briefly describe what happened that felt hurtful or disrespectful. ...
  • Say how their behavior made you feel—the impact. ...
  • Ask for what you need going forward. ...
  • End by reinforcing why you are making this request.
Mar 13, 2021

How do you respect someone who disrespects you? ›

Be direct but polite. When you do confront the other person, be clear and matter-of-fact about the issue. Calmly explain what the problem is and how their behavior is affecting you. Don't be afraid to firmly but politely ask them to explain their behavior.

How do you not let negative family members bother you? ›

How to Deal With Toxic Family Dynamics
  1. Set boundaries. Decide ahead of time what things you won't tolerate and what you will do if your family member crosses that line. ...
  2. Give yourself permission to leave. ...
  3. Be selective about what information you share. ...
  4. Call 9-1-1 if you are in danger. ...
  5. Consider talking with a counselor.
Apr 25, 2021

How do you say goodbye to a toxic parent? ›

This decision is a big deal, so be sure to prepare as much as you can and get the support you need during the process.
  1. Practice ongoing self-care. Dealing with a toxic parent is taxing and often traumatic. ...
  2. Know that you're not alone. ...
  3. Explore your options. ...
  4. Clarify your intentions. ...
  5. Allow yourself to let go of guilt.
Aug 29, 2019

When should you cut a parent out of your life? ›

Reasons You Might End a Relationship
  • Sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or neglect.
  • Poor parenting.
  • Betrayal.
  • Drug abuse.
  • Disagreements (often related to romantic relationships, politics, homophobia, and issues related to money, inheritance, or business)
  • Physical or mental health problems.
Nov 10, 2021

What is a toxic codependent mother? ›

A codependent parent is often threatened by a child's success, or the parent may live vicariously through their children to meet a need that was never met in their own childhood. This creates a toxic dependence on the parent in the child and a need to always please him or her.

How do you outsmart toxic parents? ›

10 tips for dealing with toxic parents
  1. Stop trying to please them. ...
  2. Set and enforce boundaries. ...
  3. Don't try to change them. ...
  4. Be mindful of what you share with them. ...
  5. Know your parents' limitations and work around them — but only if you want to. ...
  6. Have an exit strategy. ...
  7. Don't try to reason with them.

How do you escape toxic parents? ›

Some key factors include:
  1. Set boundaries with your parents (and enforcing them!)
  2. Accept the guilt (and live with the discomfort)
  3. Don't try to change them—change what you can control.
  4. Take care of yourself first.
  5. Surround yourself with supportive relationships.
  6. Be prepared to exit the relationship if necessary.
May 24, 2019

How do you deal with emotionally draining parents? ›

Here's what they had to say.
  1. First, determine whether your parents are *actually* toxic. ...
  2. Understand that typical boundaries are disrupted when dealing with toxic parents. ...
  3. So, how do you deal? ...
  4. Have a plan of action and a support system you can rely on. ...
  5. Remember to give yourself permission to say “no”

What negative messages do you usually say to your mother? ›

Worst Things You Can Say to Your Parents
  • Why words hurt. ...
  • “So and so's mom is better than you” ...
  • “I wish you weren't my dad” ...
  • “You told me that already” ...
  • “I wish you were dead” ...
  • XArtProduction/Shutterstock.
  • “You look ugly today” ...
  • “I bet you can't wait to get back to work”
Jun 20, 2019

How do you heal trauma from toxic parents? ›

8 Ways to Heal From Toxic Parents
  1. Stop trying to please them. ...
  2. Rebuild your opinions. ...
  3. Stop criticizing yourself. ...
  4. Set boundaries and enforce them. ...
  5. Try not to be around other toxic people. ...
  6. Understand that it's okay to let go. ...
  7. Don't share everything with them. ...
  8. Control where you meet.

How do you respond to a codependent parent? ›

Tips for Dealing With Codependent Parents
  1. Set Healthy Boundaries. In some cases, the best way to deal with a codependent mother is to practice a technique known as “detaching with love” – in other words, showing her you care enough to let her take responsibility for her mistakes. ...
  2. See a Therapist. ...
  3. Stop Enabling.
Jun 14, 2022

How do you respond to a hostile parent? ›

  1. Gather Yourself. Before speaking or meeting with angry parents, it's important to gather yourself. ...
  2. Listen First. ...
  3. Remain Calm. ...
  4. Verify Their Concerns. ...
  5. Stick to Facts. ...
  6. Set Time Limits and Boundaries. ...
  7. Documentation. ...
  8. Reconvene (If Needed)
Aug 31, 2021

What is harassment from a co parent? ›

Harassment by a-co parent can look like repeated phone calls, text messages, or emails, verbal abuse, name-calling, threatening and condescending behavior. Co-parenting harassment is not limited to having a negative impact on the parent but sadly can impact the children who are usually in the middle.

What is Gaslighting in co-parenting? ›

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic often used by narcissists to shift blame onto others when they, themselves, feel blamed or attacked. When a narcissist is confronted about their behavior or its impact on others, they may get defensive and use gaslighting to make the confronter question their claims.

How do you set boundaries with a toxic co parent? ›

How to establish healthy boundaries
  1. Try to communicate from a place of calm. Co-parenting takes enormous patience and compromise, says Dr. ...
  2. Consider the help of an app. ...
  3. Try to keep everything in writing. ...
  4. Try to stay consistent. ...
  5. Try a parenting email address. ...
  6. Curb your triggers. ...
  7. Try to find a neutral third party.
Sep 8, 2022

How do you deal with a selfish Co parent? ›

How To Handle An Uncooperative Co-Parent
  1. Preemptively Address Issues. ...
  2. Set Emotional Boundaries. ...
  3. Let Go of What You Can't Control. ...
  4. Use Non-Combative Language. ...
  5. Stick to Your Commitments. ...
  6. Know Their Triggers. ...
  7. Encourage a Healthy Relationship with the Kids. ...
  8. Avoid Direct Contact with the Uncooperative Co-Parent.
May 3, 2019

What is parentification trauma? ›

Parentification is a form of invisible childhood trauma. Parentification occurs when the roles between a child and a parent are reversed. You know you were parentified if as a child you have to step up as the caretaker, mediator, or protector of the family.

What are the signs of a codependent mother? ›

If you think you may be a codependent parent, here are some signs to look out for.
  • You're holding onto control. ...
  • You sacrifice other relationships. ...
  • You manipulate your child's emotions. ...
  • You engage in dogmatic behavior. ...
  • You claim victimhood. ...
  • You have a hard time enforcing boundaries. ...
  • Your self-esteem is tied to your child.
Nov 30, 2020

How do you ignore your parents when they are fighting? ›

Think about which ones you can do easily to distract yourself when your parents are fighting. For example, you could put on your headphones and listen to music or play a game, read a book, message a friend or do some drawing. These activities are discreet and won't attract any extra attention to you.

What is a narcissistic co parent? ›

They are often inflexible, defensive, and manage the situation in unhealthy ways. If your parenting partner is narcissist, they may ignore, push, or test your boundaries. Or they might parent with less structure, empathy, or respect than you'd like. They often get angry when you give them feedback or criticism.

Do I have to talk to my co parent? ›

Communication is crucial to successful co-parenting. You can definitely minimize communication, but you should never completely eliminate it. As co-parents, you'll need ongoing communication to be able to coordinate your child's life.


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